Crazy Cullen Occasions
by RandomSugarRush
Summary: Crackfic/Drabbles. See what the Cullens and Bella get up to on a lazy Saturday afternoon, starting with a game of poker! OOC, Canon pairings.
1. Poker Face

**A/N: **Hey guys! This is a crackfic that I've been working on when I have no time to work on my story "Follow The Sun Through A Thunderstorm". Each chapter will only be short, but good for a laugh. You never know, it may turn into something bigger! But for now, it's just a few drabbles while university takes up most of my time with essays.

Also, this fic can take place in any part of the series before Breaking Dawn. Each chapter involves a song. These characters are OOC, because it makes them funnier, but hopefully there's still an element of Steph Meyer's characters. It's rated T because there will be swearing and minor suggestive adult themes, but nothing too explicit. So if you are against any of these, please do not continue.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or any song used in this fic.

Chapter One: Cullen Poker

Inspired by "Poker Face" – Lady Gaga

**Carlisle POV**

Out the corner of my eyes, I saw my adoring wife watch on as I played poker with the kids. I studied the cards in my hand.

_Just one more ace and I've won, hands down!_

I waited for an eternity for Alice to deal the card. Emmett wore a frown.

_Looks like he _still_ doesn't understand this game!_

Edward sat casually, cards in one hand and the other arm propped up lazily on the arm of his chair, his face unreadable.

Rosalie looked bored. Jasper looked like he was in deep concentration.

_Geez, everything's life or death with him! Lighten up dude!_

Edward smirked.

_Who asked you, Big Ears?!_

Edward's face fell and he glared in my direction.

_I'm kidding! Prude…_

FINALLY! The card has been dealt! I quickly flip it over… an ace!

_Oh yeah, who's King of the Cards!_

_Easy now, keep a straight face. Got to keep my poker face!_

_Hmm, catchy song, I think I'll hum it to myself._

I place my bets.

_I've got to sing it! I can't take it anymore!_

"Come on, Carlisle, you know you want to," Edward said, smirking again.

The others looked at me expectantly.

_Oh well, better not disappoint!_

"Can't read my, can't read my, no you can't read my poker face!" I sang, dancing in my seat. Emmett snorted, Jasper didn't look amused, Rosalie looked embarrassed and Edward looked… smug?

_Why is he smug?_

_Meh, I've won this round anyway so I should probably just get it over with._

I placed my cards down on the table.

"Full house," I announced as I sat back in my seat, basking in my own glory.

Edward's face now wore a shit-eating grin.

"Royal flush," I heard from my left.

I watched as Bella placed her cards down on the table.

_Gah! Damn you all to hell!_

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**A/N:** So there you go! First one done. It literally only took ten minutes, so I should be able to update this every few days.

Don't forget to leave me some feedback. Any review is a good review. Also, if you'd like to see something happen, just let me know!

Thanks!

Melissa Kae :)


	2. You Killed It!

**­­A/N: **I have a special thanks to _Marrabelle_ for laughing so hard and _D-reader-lover_ for suggesting this chapters' occasion! You guys rock! And to you awesome people who added me to your faves list, you rock too :D you know who you are!

**Disclaimer: **I _obviously_ do not own Twilight or the songs used in this fic.

Chapter 2: You Killed It!

Inspired by "The Kill" – 30 Seconds to Mars

**EPOV**

I sat on the white sofa in the main living room with Bella nestled into my side as she read _Pride and Prejudice_. I gently curled a few strands of her hair around my finger as I watched Jasper jamming away on _Guitar Hero: World Tour_. He was currently playing Bon Jovi's 'Livin' on a Prayer' and getting a perfect score on expert mode, of course. It beats me why we vampires even bother with video games. We win every time! It would be more fun to watch Bella play on easy mode, especially with her hand eye coordination.

I could hear Esme bustling around the kitchen making some form of food for Bella. I smelled the air discreetly, curious to know what she was cooking.

_Ack!_

Cookies, she _had_ to make cookies. Cookies almost smell worse than Jacob and his kennel of dogs; almost.

Bella noticed my slight shift as I cringed at the smell. An eyebrow shot up at me as she scrutinised my expression. I rolled my eyes and shook my head so that she would understand that it wasn't something even remotely interesting.

_What's your problem, Edward? Those were some gross vibes you threw around. You almost knocked me off my feet. _Jasper's thoughts invaded my head. I sighed and spoke low and fast so that Bella wouldn't hear.

"Esme's making cookies. You know how much I can't stand the smell of cookies!"

I watched understanding spread across his features before he turned and focused back on his game. He chose a new song, 'Sweet Home Alabama', his personal favourite.

It wasn't long before I could hear the sound of Emmett's jeep crashing down our driveway. He and Rose had gone to do God knows what. They didn't actually say where they were going, so that usually only means one thing.

As I listened to Emmett's jeep roar closer to the house, I heard Bella's stomach growl.

_Honestly, doesn't she eat at home?_ Esme wondered from the kitchen. I snickered.

This time, Bella closed her book and glared up at me.

"What are you laughing at?" she asked, her eyes never leaving mine for an instant.

"Jasper missed a note," I lied quickly. I grinned, hoping she would believe me. I didn't really want to tell her what Esme had just thought.

"Hey, I did not!" Jasper snapped at me. He paused the game to turn and glare at me also.

_God, everyone I know takes everything so seriously. Take a frickin' pill! _I thought to myself.

I rolled my eyes at Jasper and turned my attention back to Bella.

"Are you hungry? Esme made cookies," I told her. I saw her face light up at the thought of food.

"Ooh, cookies! I love cookies. What kind are they?" she enthused.

"Uh, I think they're oatmeal," I replied. I stood and pulled her up off the sofa into a standing position. I took her hand and began to lead her into the kitchen when Emmett crashed through the door.

"Where's my clumsy human?" he boomed from the doorway. I tried to ignore the mile wide grin on his face.

_Why is he so happy to see my girlfriend?_ I speculated.

"Hey, she's my clumsy human!" I said, wrapping my arms around Bella possessively. "Rose, do something!"

It only took me a fraction of a second to notice that Rosalie wasn't actually in the room with us, which meant I needed a distraction.

"Hey Em, look, Jasper's playing Guitar Hero!" I said pointing towards Jasper. Emmett's head snapped around and his expression changed to complete euphoria, just like a kid at Christmas.

"Ooh, Jazz, I want a go!" he whined. He made his way across the room and held his hand out for the guitar controller.

"Can you wait? I'm in the middle of 'Miss Murder'," he complained. I already knew from Emmett's thoughts that he wasn't going to back down.

"No way, you've had your turn, now hand it over," he demanded.

"Wait until I've finished the damn song! Impatient git…," Jasper trailed off, refocussing on his game.

"Jasper, if I hear you call your brother an impatient git again, you're grounded! That means no Guitar Hero for ten years," Esme said from the next room.

Jasper sulked.

"Yes, mom," he said.

"Jasper, it's _my_ turn! Give it!" Emmett tried again, only he now held onto the neck of the controller.

"Em, let go! You're messing up my score!" Jasper said through clenched teeth, fighting for the controller.

I looked down at Bella and was slightly surprised at the amused look on her face. She moved over to the sofa and placed her book onto the glass coffee table before sitting down to enjoy the show. I followed suit, amazed that Esme hadn't scolded the pair for squabbling over a stupid video game.

The struggle had now turned into a tug-of-war. Bella and I watched as they tugged the controller back and forth between them. I could tell that the game would be over for both of them; the controller couldn't possibly withstand the beating when they _really_ started going at it.

And sure enough, the second I'd even had the thought, the controller went flying through the air at such force towards the coffee table, that it knocked the table towards the sofa. I quickly tugged Bella's legs out of the collision course and protected her from the glass that shattered all over the living room. The table slammed into the sofa, knocking it backwards a few inches.

When everything had finally come to a standstill, the only things I heard were Bella's quickened breath and heartbeat and Emmett's panicked thoughts.

_Aw, shit! I broke the controller! Even worse, Esme's table! I'm dead! Quick, think of something to distract them!_

"So, would anyone like some cookies?" he asked. I rolled my eyes; as if distracting anyone would get him out of trouble!

_Aw hell no!_ Emmett's thoughts said again. For some reason he was staring at Bella.

Bella leaned forward out of my grip and picked up several pieces of what was once her most treasured book. She examined the pieces in her hands before glaring bloody murder at Emmett, whose thoughts were now silent with shock or fear, I couldn't tell.

"You killed my book!" she screamed at Emmett, hurling the biggest fraction of the book as close to his head as she could manage. Emmett childishly covered his head with his hands and whimpered, waiting for impact, rather than dodging the lump of mangled paper altogether.

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**A/N:** Two down, unknown more to go!

Don't forget to review, I love it when you do! Also, keep the suggestions coming!

Melissa Kae :)


	3. So Not The Time!

**A/N: **Thanks to _Marrabelle_ and _desimah -rose-lily_ for reviewing! Also, thanks to everyone that added me to faves and alerts!

This is a bit longer. And Emmett's POV. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **If you _seriously _think that I own Twilight or any song used in this fic, you are _seriously_ deluded!

**Chapter Three: **So Not the Time!

**Inspired by: **The Fast Food Song – Fast Food Rockers

**Em POV**

You know, it's a hard life for us who look at life like everyday's an adventure. I'm a very 'go-with-the-flow' kind of guy and usually I don't mind sitting back and listening to the conversations instead of getting involved. But lately I've noticed that when I do have something to say, nobody really takes what I say seriously.

Like today for example.

I was out with Jasper hunting some grizzlies and I began to think about how humans can even get by without drinking blood every now and then. I mean, honestly, it's not all that bad!

So I thought deeper into the subject.

Humans like to make new food, just by mixing it all together. They take some wheat, lettuce, tomato, pickle, ketchup, some cow and make a burger. Supposedly it tastes really good. I don't see how, cows don't taste that good if you ask me. They have no flavour whatsoever.

Then they chop the heads off the poor defenceless chickens, roll them in some weird crumb stuff and toss them into a vat of hot oil!

How is _that_ considered as humane?

_The poor little cluckers!_

Then you get people like Bella – Italians.

They eat everything with soggy wheat and tomatoes! Then, it doesn't matter what it is, they seem to put everything on a pizza.

I don't get it.

Burgers, chicken and pizza – none of those sound even remotely appetising.

But I've strayed from my point.

I was thinking about all of this and 'The Fast Food Song' popped into my head. So, naturally, I started singing it. You know how it goes.

"McDonald's, McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut. McDonald's, McDonald's, Kentucky Fried…"

You get the picture.

So I was thinking… why doesn't Burger King get a mention? Or Krispy Kreme for that matter? Don't they deserve to be in 'The Fast Food Song' too?

So, I decided to ask Jasper what he thought. He's been around longer than me, so maybe he would know.

"Hey Jazz!" I called. He flinched and I heard a rustling sound in some bushes fifty feet away.

"Damn it, Emmett! That deer was huge! Now I've got to chase it!" he said as he took off running after the deer.

_Oops!_

So, that didn't turn out as planned.

I decided to ask someone else.

Luckily for me, when I got home my Rosie was fixing up Carlisle's Mercedes. She was on a trolley underneath the body of the vehicle, banging away at something. I tugged her legs and pulled her out from under the car.

"What is it, Emmett?" she asked. She sounded a little annoyed. I should've known that it wasn't a good time, but still, I went ahead and asked.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Can't it wait? I have to fix a hole under the accelerator. It turns out that Esme's a bit of a rev-head. Put her foot down too hard..." she replied. _Esme_ broke Carlisle's car? Huh. Didn't see that one coming.

"Uh, okay, I suppose I'll ask later then."

So I turned and walked into the house.

Ah! Bella's here with Edward! Maybe they know.

"Hi, Bella, Edward," I greeted them. They turned to me.

"Hey, Em. Have a good hunt?" Edward asked. Bella just glared.

"Yep, sure did. Jasper played tag with a deer."

Edward gave me a funny look.

Okay, so I lied a little, big deal.

Bella just kept on glaring.

"Are you okay Bella? You don't look so good," I asked her, concerned.

"I'm fine," she said through her teeth. "But my _book_ isn't!"

Oops. Forgot about that.

"Aw, I said I was sorry! I even offered to buy you a new one," I reminded her – maybe she forgot.

"I don't _want_ a new one. My _gran_ gave me that book!" she seethed. Wow, she's really blowing metaphorical steam out her ass over this.

"Uh, Em? Maybe you should let Bella cool off some more. She's still pretty mad," Edward suggested, too low and fast for Bella to hear.

So I hung my head and went upstairs.

Right before I walked into my room, I saw Alice appear in the hallway. Ooh! Maybe the psychic knows!

"Hey, Alice! Can I ask you something?" I asked.

"Sorry Em, I'm busy with picking out next month's wardrobes for everyone. Ask me later?" she said and scooted off out of view.

Well, that was a bust.

Now there's just Carlisle and Esme.

But they're not home!

So, what I did then was wait.

When everyone was home, I called a family meeting. They were going to sit down and listen to me, whether they liked it or not!

So finally, at six pm that afternoon, I sat with my family and Bella at the dining room table.

"So Emmett, what's on your mind?" Carlisle inquired.

"Where to begin… First I would like to know why nobody takes anything I say seriously. I have some very important things to say sometimes and nobody listens," I said seriously.

"Oh, well what's the first important thing you have to say, dear?" Esme asked.

"That I've apologised to Bella several times for breaking her book, and she's still mad at me!" I exclaimed.

Bella sank down in her seat, her cheeks turning red. Edward looked a little bit annoyed as he gave her hand a reassuring squeeze.

"Secondly, I've tried asking everyone something today and nobody stuck around long enough to hear my question," I continued.

"Well, since we're all here, why don't you ask us now?" Carlisle said as he smiled calmly.

_Yes! Here goes nothing!_

"I was thinking earlier today and I was wondering why Burger King and Krispy Kreme didn't get a mention in 'The Fast Food Song'. Is it that whoever wrote the song is discriminating them or was someone going to get sued for using them?" I asked in a light tone.

Much to my chagrin, everyone groaned.

"Emmett!" they chorused exasperatedly.

"What? What did I do?" I asked as everyone stood and left the room.

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**A/N: **3, 2, 1... Awwww! Poor Emmett! Lol. Don't worry, things will look up for him soon!

Thanks for reading! Please leave me a review and suggestions for upcoming chapters!

Melissa Kae :)


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